This aspect of the blog i explore more of the terain in which my path has lead particularly as i endeavor to define and refine who i am in this life..at present I am using the milestone of turning thirty as a start point.
So what about the fire fly and the moon?
In the ancient vedic literature know as the Srimad Bhavatam or Bhagavat Purana acceped as the natural commentary on the Vedanta sutras (for those of you who are the scholarly types) there is a very nice portion that was translated in to english in the 1950's to be presented at an asia conference on spirituallity this would have been my Gurus first attempt at fulfilling his gurus instuction to share this knowlege with the western world, as it turned out the book was not published till some 20 years later when the manuscript was rediscovered by disciples of my guru and beautifully illustrated in a Chinese style of painting, published by the name" Light of The Bhagavata"
the illustrations following the text depict spiritual instructions one can find in nature
"The evening in the rainy season is dark all around. There is no sight of the twinkling stars on the horizon or the pleasing moon. They are covered by clouds. And the insignificant glowworms become prominent in the absence of the luminaries in the open sky."
Light of the Bhagavata
My vision of the great luminaries being obscured by the cloudy vale of illusion, lacking a clear reference to the Cause of all causes I developed a skewed sense of self importance and entittlement to how this universe shall serve me. I am compelled to share my light and understand my relationship to its source, how to own my power with out competting with the supreme powerful
bellow I am republishing an note created on Facebook which I will continue to build off of with in this platform
From:
kuva108@gmail.com
Subject: X X X part one + responses
Date: September 9, 2010 1:36:06 AM PDT
X X X part one + responses
Though my life can most accurately be measured in units of
insignificants, I often marvel(when I have the patience to observe)
How the Param Brahman the Sonum bonum Bhagavan Sri Krishna entertains
my desires and even honors my word....."So it shall be"....even when
something is said in a moment of inspiration without the consideration
as to whether I could by my own prowess of determination ever fulfill
upon it.
In fact half my life(this time around) has been shaped and molded by
the mercy of my Master, while the impressions and adjustments of my
life were often dramatic and sometimes so pervading that I didn’t even
notice its coming into being , I get the impression that He didn’t
skip a beat in continuing his own play, His pleasure dance in the
Transcendental groves of Vrindavan in the company of devotees turned
lovers, who have no objective of life other than to give pleasure to
The Source of Pleasure to share life with The Source of Life.....
In three weeks time, three decades (thus the X X X in the title) will
have transpired to entrap me and expel me from life in this body. By
my own assessment in comparison to friend and foe, the Great and the
meager, I get the impression of not being an entirely whole person by
the status quot... while some I know when reading this will feel
compelled to argue with me and point out so many excellent qualities
and achievements(at least I would hope some of you would feel in such
a way) in the Larger view I don’t mind if I don’t measure up ....
I am starting to observe my many defects and inadequacies as, not
providing enough fat on my bones to have the shackles of Samsara to grasp a good
hold. I feel so loose in my Shackle that it is as if I can slip my
hands out, if I choose, but I feel a comfort in the continuity and
reliability of this endless cycle which has consumed generation after
generation in the same vain attempt...the pursuit of lasting pleasure.
How many species of life have I, have we all made this attempt? Worse
yet the search for love… to posses it, to own it...only to lose it.
Through the able guidance of His Divine grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
Prabhupada my effort are gradually taking shape from vapor, into mass,
just as rain is formed and dispensed from a cloud. The dry desert of
my heart, it’s scarce austere vegetation set ablaze, has hope of being quenched,
not from the spittle of the dry mouth of others who attempt to cross it but rather the celestial down pour of mercy. Despite my disobedience, my lack of faith and delusion, by the very means of
my rebellion, my Master has caught me and is guiding me to home...ofcourse He can …He is my Master after all. By what agency is this
possible? Surely it is the favorable blessings of others. for my part I can only
claim an appreciation of the ring of His voice, and the oceanic tone
of His chant...Oh how powerful appreciation is if this is so!
I had been serving Krishna with hopes He would favor me with a nice
wife/companion …that illusive perfect partner and counter part... it
didn't happen...Now as I wander haplessly yearning and longing,
sometimes covertly chasing, browsing facebook profiles, my stomach
pitted with anticipation, hope and fear. Judging and assessing on a
sliding scale of warped archetypes. In the end of all my searches I
find Krishna , He is the only who answers my call....But I don't want to have a love affair with an idea!! But that is all any of it has ver been... Then I am reminded of one of my childish declarations of
mixed motive...At the kulimela in Alachua Fl I declared in the
Presence of my peers and evidently in the hearing of my Master that by
age of 30 years I will have had view of "Krishna" as He is written as
we speak Him, non different as His Holy Name. To experience the All
Attractive Person no longer as a concept a sweet Idea an abstraction,
but rather as He is, and wants to be perceived. To know Him as
Narottam does with all the well place longing and lamentation, to
break the confine of words and sounds as my beloved Master has. To
weep without hoping someone noticed particularly a potential mate.
My Lord your arrows have left this mind half dead and flailing,
Finish me I beg Complete me, complete what you have started how can I
take claim as author to the words that have decided my fate. For every
step I take towards You take ten towards me...with only 2 steps as
Vamana you transverse the entire cosmic creation so how is it that I
still do not trust You enough to run towards you, how many laps on the
Hamster wheel of Samsara I spend running towards others and yet never made any
significant progress, birth death old age disease eating sleeping
mating defending again and again and again with change only in
appearance not in content.
If it doesn’t happen in the few weeks left, sure I'll be
disappointed...but what’s new. I will remain Your debtor and you are
entitled to continue to take all that I have, to take the fruits of
all my labor, until you are satisfied and I have fulfilled what I
declared.
My Dear now somehow I am a little awake, aware please guild me to
success I don’t know how much time I have got before I am again
covered entirely by illusion.
When will I lose the ambition to prove something in kirtan so that I
may absorb myself with others in Your Sweet Glories.
Kuva Zakheim
hmmm....I am considering editing the Note to shift emphasise.
While finding a partner is certainly an underlying motivation and
theme in my life (i wouldn't kid any one if I we to deny it)
what had inspired me to write this was a jolt of joy in seeing how
the absence of the fulfillment of love in one area of life has
provided momentum for fulfillment of love with the primary form and
object of Love.
I marvel in the mastery of the Kamadev who by means of my lower nature
is able to steer me toward my higher nature.
I am actually quite content in my discontent..I sing in my chains like the sea.
I have been striped of my sense of entitlement that this place is my
home and that I will find what I am looking for here. This would be a
dismal conclusion at thirty years of age to come to if not for the
glimpse that I do have a home and a master who care for me and eternal
companion and love forgotten., neither must I wait for death to return
to this home no need to be a martyr because this home descends as
transcendental sound and is found upon the lips and utterance of pure
devotees.
If my roaring like a hungry lion causes all the creatures of the
forest to flee and so another day I go hungry...so be it! I can
think, I can fast, I can wait.
these subjects I have observed, not only mine, but for many others too
tend to rot in the mind and heart and go unspoken so i took a risk to
day to stir the subject.
I thank you for the blessing offered I am always in need of the
blessings and kind words and thoughts of friends and well wishers
Kuva Zakheim
oh just for clarification in case the subtlety was missed.
the X X X represented the roman numeral for 10 thus 10+10+10=30 three
decade of my life
perhaps further it could reflect what mark the bottle of poison
...
it is the poison of sense gratification(visaya) that the poet saint
Narottam das proclaims to kill our spiritual progress back home back
to Godhead.
and of course (particularly on the Internet) this symbol is use to get
peoples attention I hope it was not too effective.
I had received some encouragement to write a book, I hope in reading my
writing though people have reconsider that idea
thank you again for your feed back
Sincerely,
Kuva Zakheim
NOTE: now that I have turned 30 I will share what has come up for me since this time in future posts
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